Genesis of the soul... the birth of fear.
An earlier personal reflection, preserved as a record of my thinking at that time rather than offered as a contemporary scientific or clinical account.
A lust for sustenance, warmth, and refuge.
The dark, sinister soul... desperate to live.
It demands, ingests, excretes and lays its claim.
Now it owns you. It’s narcissism in the vanguard. The optimal position acquired.
Revelation... a calamity! Its source is shared.
The dreaded soul, the angst... timidity germinates... insecurity emerges.
Deprived, cold, benumbed. An excruciating pain, unforgiving anger... but no words asserted.
Desperately seeking shelter, it conspires. The aim is clandestine... the optimal position is sought.
The game begins...
The thoughts behind the piece
We know that many of the circuit elements in the brain necessary for consciousness are in place before birth, though scientists remain cautious about assuming that the foetal brain possesses consciousness. Low oxygen levels and the continuous release of sleep-inducing chemicals from the placenta are understood to keep the foetus heavily sedated until birth.
The amygdala, the part of the brain most commonly associated with processing fear, is prepared from birth with responses that help us survive. A rat, for example, responds to a cat without first having to learn the danger: stress hormones are released, and its blood pressure and heart rate rise automatically.
Some early fears are learnt and others appear to be built in: falling, loud noises, starvation, or being left by a parent. Fear is fundamental to survival. Babies cry through hunger, pain, anger or fear; it is their principal way of communicating and asserting their needs.
This emerging self desperately wants to live. When nourishment, safety, warmth and care are not provided, the infant protests with everything available to them. The mother or provider can appear to belong entirely to the infant, responding to the cry by holding, soothing and feeding.
What an optimal position: to be at the centre of the world, with everything apparently revolving around you. Until the eventual discovery that this world is shared with others. What a calamity. A sense of loss follows; anger unfolds and insecurity is felt, perhaps for the first time.
The situation demands adjustment. Anger towards the very person upon whom one depends cannot easily be expressed without shame, guilt or the fear that the provider may stop providing. It is an intolerable conflict.
There may be a desperate attempt to displace that anger and defend against the anxiety. What is wanted must remain hidden from the self and from others, so that unbearable feelings do not emerge.
The goalposts have already been set. The struggle to recover the optimal position can remain throughout life.
The game begins...
